According to a 2009 study published by BNET, the CBS Interactive Business Network:
In most of their forms, extramarital activities by Vietnamese men are not perceived as infidelity or adultery. Extramarital relationships often facilitate male bonding and are important signifiers of Vietnamese masculinity and male privilege. [Moreover] Vietnamese wives must endure them. When a Vietnamese wife is confronted with her husband’s extramarital relationships, whether with a sex worker or sweetheart, she may look inward to understand her “failure” rather than demand that he terminate his extramarital relationships.
In contrast, a March 2011 article featured on VietNamNet suggested that a sexual free-for-all might be the new relationship trend in Vietnam. Nguyen Thi Nga, center director for a DNA and genetic analysis center in Hanoi, stated that approximately 40% of her male clients discovered that the children they were supporting were not their biological children. Likewise, pregnant women were spending $200-$600 at the center to determine who are the biological fathers of their unborn children.
Is this new drift towards open relationships limited to independent youths who refused to be bounded by traditional family relations?
Or, are older married couples starting to be more open-minded about what was once a taboo topic? Perhaps, there is a cohort-wide sexual midlife crisis? GADLING, a blog from AOL travel, posted an article just last year about “Vietnam’s secret tradition of annual adultery.” The article stated that in Khau Vai Village “hundreds of people come from near and far to meet and […] ‘have relations’ with people other than their spouses” on the 26th and 27th day of the third lunar month. According to one story highlighted by Reuters: Lao Minh Pao attends the gathering annually to “pour [his] heart out” to his ex-lover whom he was not able to marry. Pao’s wife also attends to meet her own lover.
Mr. and Mrs. Pao’s story suggests that the well-known story of chim da da (the bird that nests with the bird on the far branch instead of the one on the branch next to it) is not limited to one sex. Their story also suggests that there might be problems in their relationship, perhaps due to an arranged marriage, and perhaps societal pressures might have prevented them from divorcing and marrying their desired lovers.
On the other hand, there might be couples who married, fell out of love for each other, but refused to divorce simply for reputation. Luc, for instance, wrote a letter, which was published by VNEXPRESS, lamenting how his wife had a child with another man (a married man for that matter!). Yet, Luc does not want to divorce his wife. Instead, he is doing everything to please her, so that she will stay by his side – so he may continue to show-off an image of a successful, happy family to society. In this case, it seems like things have deviated from the 2009 BNET study. Now, it seems like it is the man who needs to look inward to understand his “failure” for being unable to keep his wife satisfied enough not to be engaging in extramarital relationships.
So, is the rise in extramarital relationships due to the rise in equality between the sexes? Are extramarital relationships becoming more common amongst Vietnamese men and women? Or, is traditional Vietnamese family relationship being threatened?
http://www.eversky.org/?p=375
This song is a well-known song among Vietnamese, and because it is rooted in Vietnamese culture, it will be hard to understand by non-Vietnamese. That’s why I included translation notes like always so that people will understand the song and its symbolism and metaphors, so that they can enjoy the song just as I do.Composer: Vo Dong Dien
English Title: The Sound of the Chinese Francolin (1)
Translated by: GigiBack in the day, you were fifteen years old
You would often hear me playing the guitar
The sound of the guitar stirred up many emotions
As time passed by quickly
You no longer come to hear me plucking the copper strings
And only peeked at me beside the river
Why were you not like before, coming over to hear me play?
Causing the guitar’s melody to saddened greatly
You are like the gentle clouds, drifting aimlessly across the sky
And the clouds have separated from meThere’s a Chinese Francolin seated on a banyan tree branch
Why must you marry a husband who’s so far away? (2)
There’s a Chinese Francolin singing a harmonious song
Why must you marry at such a young age?
Causing the Chinese Francolin to reluctantly fly awayBy chance, I met you again
We happened to ride on the same ferry boat
An evening ferry boat that guided its guests across the river
By chance, we recognized each other
Stirring up emotions from the old days
Causing the ferry boat to shake as the waves clap
The day the bride crossed the river on a ferry boat adorned in flowers (3)
A small tear fell beside the river
The day the bride crossed over to her husband’s house,
Someone sang such a sorrowful lullabyThere’s a Chinese Francolin seated on a banyan tree branch (4)
Why must you marry a husband who’s so far away?
There’s a Chinese Francolin singing a harmonious song
Why must you marry at such a young age?
Causing the Chinese Francolin to reluctantly fly away.Translator’s Notes
(1) The Chinese Francolin (chim da da) is a bird species and in this song it is used to symbolize the man who is in love with the girl. He is asking his ex-lover to not blame him for letting her go marry someone else even if they both love each other..(2) The literal meaning here is “Why don’t you marry a husband who’s near you; why must you marry one who’s so far away?” And well, even though the Vietnamese phrase is rather short, it becomes wordy in English so I shortened it. The simple meaning is that he doesn’t want her to leave him, and if she has to marry someone who isn’t him, she should at least marry someone who’s near her (ie. in the same village as her) since at least he could still see her everyday. But in this case, she ends up marrying someone far away.(3) The phrase “sang song” in Vietnamese, which translates to “crossing the river” in English, is a metaphor for “getting married.” It is rooted in Vietnamese culture back in the day where most people lived in the countryside, and often villages or neighborhoods would be separated by a river. And so when a girl gets married, she needs to “cross the river” to the other side where her husband’s house would be. And usually once the girl “crosses the river,” it’s hard for her to come back especially if her husband’s house is so far away. Since it happens often, the phrase “crossing the river” becomes the metaphor to “getting married.”(4) In the countryside, there are two things Vietnamese people consider to be symbolic of their village: dinh (village hall) and cay da (banyan tree). So the banyan tree is often used as a representation of Vietnamese villages in Vietnamese songs. It’s said that tree carries a special meaning, that it is a symbol of longevity and perseverance, because of its near infinite roots.Related posts (Computer generated):
Hi
Anonymous,
Thank you
very much for sharing the lyrics and explaining the reference of the Chinese
Francolin to readers who might not have been familiar with the song.
http://www.eversky.org/?p=375
This song is a well-known song among Vietnamese, and because it is rooted in Vietnamese culture, it will be hard to understand by non-Vietnamese. That’s why I included translation notes like always so that people will understand the song and its symbolism and metaphors, so that they can enjoy the song just as I do.Composer: Vo Dong Dien
English Title: The Sound of the Chinese Francolin (1)
Translated by: GigiBack in the day, you were fifteen years old
You would often hear me playing the guitar
The sound of the guitar stirred up many emotions
As time passed by quickly
You no longer come to hear me plucking the copper strings
And only peeked at me beside the river
Why were you not like before, coming over to hear me play?
Causing the guitar’s melody to saddened greatly
You are like the gentle clouds, drifting aimlessly across the sky
And the clouds have separated from meThere’s a Chinese Francolin seated on a banyan tree branch
Why must you marry a husband who’s so far away? (2)
There’s a Chinese Francolin singing a harmonious song
Why must you marry at such a young age?
Causing the Chinese Francolin to reluctantly fly awayBy chance, I met you again
We happened to ride on the same ferry boat
An evening ferry boat that guided its guests across the river
By chance, we recognized each other
Stirring up emotions from the old days
Causing the ferry boat to shake as the waves clap
The day the bride crossed the river on a ferry boat adorned in flowers (3)
A small tear fell beside the river
The day the bride crossed over to her husband’s house,
Someone sang such a sorrowful lullabyThere’s a Chinese Francolin seated on a banyan tree branch (4)
Why must you marry a husband who’s so far away?
There’s a Chinese Francolin singing a harmonious song
Why must you marry at such a young age?
Causing the Chinese Francolin to reluctantly fly away.Translator’s Notes
(1) The Chinese Francolin (chim da da) is a bird species and in this song it is used to symbolize the man who is in love with the girl. He is asking his ex-lover to not blame him for letting her go marry someone else even if they both love each other..(2) The literal meaning here is “Why don’t you marry a husband who’s near you; why must you marry one who’s so far away?” And well, even though the Vietnamese phrase is rather short, it becomes wordy in English so I shortened it. The simple meaning is that he doesn’t want her to leave him, and if she has to marry someone who isn’t him, she should at least marry someone who’s near her (ie. in the same village as her) since at least he could still see her everyday. But in this case, she ends up marrying someone far away.(3) The phrase “sang song” in Vietnamese, which translates to “crossing the river” in English, is a metaphor for “getting married.” It is rooted in Vietnamese culture back in the day where most people lived in the countryside, and often villages or neighborhoods would be separated by a river. And so when a girl gets married, she needs to “cross the river” to the other side where her husband’s house would be. And usually once the girl “crosses the river,” it’s hard for her to come back especially if her husband’s house is so far away. Since it happens often, the phrase “crossing the river” becomes the metaphor to “getting married.”(4) In the countryside, there are two things Vietnamese people consider to be symbolic of their village: dinh (village hall) and cay da (banyan tree). So the banyan tree is often used as a representation of Vietnamese villages in Vietnamese songs. It’s said that tree carries a special meaning, that it is a symbol of longevity and perseverance, because of its near infinite roots.Related posts (Computer generated):
ah, nothing new, same old, same old for men, back then men had several wives, and nobody complained. For women it’s a completely new experience. It’s true that Viet society is moving toward free sex, but for married couples I don’t think it’s the case. Please avoid Vietnamnet or “Tam su” section of a typical newspaper as evidence. Vietnamnet is a tabloid, that’s a fact. “Tam su” is nothing more than a place where people has problems to vent their frustration. It’s very difficult to know how many people like that in society, but I think they’re a tiny minor. Good article though, I like it :).
Most of Jenny’s articles have very unreliable sources and data. She looks at a small percentage and turns it into something that is like a norm. It’s nothing more than just capture attention of the readers.
I have to disagree. Jenny’s articles, including this one, are well thought out and well argued. Data isn’t always easily available (especially in the Vietnamese community) so one has to rely on intelligent conjecture to identify cultural trends.
My wife is Vietnamese, she’s been reading these Tam Su / Prolems-Questions sections for many years and she can attest that these kinds of problems exist long time ago. If you only look into 1 place, of course you will only find what you’re looking for. To claim it is a trend now, you gotta show the findings compared with the data in the past. I don’t see such comparison in this article. It’s more like that people are more easily to access to the media nowadays due to the internet, so you will find more stories of such. If data is not available, then it’s just another article like any other article that I can find on extramarital-relationship-problems section. Maybe Gay/Bisexual is more of a debatable topic now as I see a wedding for 2 lesbians happened in Hanoi last year.
I think the author raises important questions rather than making conclusions about trends.
Hi Luan,
Thank you
for reading. The author does desire to
raise questions and perhaps conclusions about trends may be made in the future.
Hi Tri. Hi Keith.
Hi James.
Thank you very
much for reading and commenting. Thank
you Tri for liking the article, and thank you James for your kind words.
The author’s
articles are not necessarily solely meant to “capture [the] attention of the
readers.” The articles do not
necessarily bring to surface shockingly new data, per se, but they do serve to expose
particular subjects to readers who may not have been aware of such matter previously. The articles may also possibly serve as a
starting point for a conversation regarding a subject that perhaps not numerous
others are discussing presently.
Most individuals
can probably agree that socially-accepted extramarital relationships are not
shockingly novel news when they are related to men. However, are equal or increasing numbers of
women as men engaging in extramarital relationships, and if so, are women
engaging in such activities being accepted by society the same way men are? Are there studies or statistics that
satisfyingly answer these questions, yet?
The article clearly asks “are extramarital relationships becoming more common
amongst Vietnamese men and women?” Is
there a trend, and if so, what is the trend?
Readers, of course, can choose to answer these questions however they desire.
Likewise,
the article does not state that couples are necessarily moving towards free
sex. The article does ask if that was a
possibility. The Vietnamnet and “Tam su”
passages were not necessarily used as evidence but merely as examples. It is most certainly “very difficult to know
how many people like that [currently exists] in society.” It would be very interesting to view and read
studies that document these cases if there are researchers who chose or will
choose to delve more into this subject.
To the best of the author’s knowledge, there are currently not enough
studies present to satisfyingly answer the questions that were raised, but now
the questions are raised….
I think it’s more of a starting point for a need for a study on marriage and gender dynamics, and its effects on wellness and mental health. The 20-billion-dong question is: are people generally happier in monogamous relationships, polygamous, or unique relationship structures (e.g. marriage with lover on the side)? What are the characteristics of happy people in any of the aforementioned relationship arrangements? Furthermore, are these topics really taboo, or are they so generally accepted that no one needs to really talk about it, i.e. analyze it?
Hi Bao,
Thank you
for commenting. Your questions are
surely worth discussion. As for how
tabooed these topics are, this could vary based on where people live (urban or
rural communities), age, education, and own upbringing amongst other factors. Even if these subjects are generally accepted,
analysis could reveal something interesting.
Why else would there be subjects such as psychology or sociology in
academic settings?
I’ve never heard of such traditions for women. Affairs are quite common among men in Vietnam, it’s become almost blase there. But for women, my understanding is that the Vietnamese culture still values chastity in a married woman.
Hi Liv,
Thank you
for sharing your thoughts. The author,
likewise, have only recently heard of the possibilities that women are engaging
in extramarital relationship as commonly as men. Moreover, the author have heard and read
varying viewpoints on the subjects – some of which states that this is not so
new while others disagree wholeheartedly.
Thus, it would be rather interesting to discover whether or not there is
a rise. And if so, does this lead to
equality or is something else at play?