Author requests anonymity.
Let’s get personal. I wish that I could tell you that I have always been one of those people who straddled the line between American and Vietnamese Culture. On the contrary, I’m that girl – the girl who ran as far away from that line as possible the minute she figured out how to completely cross it. I’m the white-washed, culture abandoning girl.
Well, I was.
A couple of years ago, I came to terms with something about myself – I’m gay. I know the question. How does this bring you back to the Vietnamese culture? It’d be pretty simple for me to keep running – keep heading in the direction of the culture that is so much more open to who I am. The reason I’m heading back is because no matter how far I run, the Vietnamese traditions will still define my family – the people who I know will be most affected by this news.
How were they going to react? A million different scenarios ran through my head – so, I did what any sane human would do during a moment of confusion: I Googled it – “homosexuality in Vietnam”. Wikipedia came to the rescue. In the short article, it states that homosexuality is not illegal, but it’s been made more than known that it is considered a “social evil”. Outside of that, results were scarce. The few things I found about the internal point of view stated that Vietnamese people were “narrow-minded” and that it was in the best interest of gays and lesbians to stay closeted.
I kept on Googling until I thought that maybe the lack of an answer was the answer. Homosexuality seems to be one of those topics that Vietnamese people just don’t want to talk about. It’s there, but never acknowledge. It seems taboo.
Then I thought about my own family. How is it that when statistics show that one out of every four people is gay, in a family of over thirty relatives, I have never heard mention of a gay friend or even acquaintance?
This was when my stress level reached a new high. I won’t live a lie. This means that I will eventually come out to my family. What am I scared of? The shock that any parents will experience – no matter where they’re from. What am I most scared of? Becoming that cultural taboo — someone my family will no longer want to talk about.
Right at that moment, something serendipitous happened. Clicking through the pages, I somehow ended back on that Wikipedia page I had browsed before. This time, I landed on a section I had missed my first time. It was a section showing the progression of the view of Vietnamese people towards homosexuality. These statistics, plainly put, say more than I could with a thousand words. In 2001, 82% of the people surveyed said that homosexuality was never acceptable. In 2007, 80% of adolescents surveyed said “no” when asked if homosexuality was a bad thing.
What did all this lead me to? My fear is still here. I’m still afraid of older mindsets that will paint me out to be an “evil”. But there’s hope. In a country where culture and tradition are so strong, you expect things to stay the same. But there’s change – empirically shown change driven by the youth of Vietnam. This new generation that’s so open minded about the world and enthusiastic about the possibilities in front of them make me excited for the future of Vietnam. They make me realize that past views on homosexuality will not dictate how my family sees me now. It’s this ever-evolving culture of Vietnam that makes me not want to run from that line anymore. It’s what makes me a little less afraid.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience on this topic. It is unfortunate that topics of gender identity, sex, sexuality, sexual minorities, and sexual behaviors are so tabooed in Vietnam. There is very limited public discourse and even fewer community-level dialog on these topics. Thus, they are not in the consciousness of the non-LGBTQIA (and allies) Vietnamese people and when they do come up, common responses are based upon ill-informed social stigmas and ingrained heteronormative attitudes.
I think this problem stems from the lack of focus and expertise in social studies and their related fields, in VN. Sociological sciences are severely malnourished, not marketable and unfavored due to the technological and trade-oriented educational push to meet the fastidious demands of globalization. While trying to maintain the export-oriented economy, little resources have been utilized by the government and policy makers for the advancement of social issues.
I spent my childhood in VN and have been back quite a few times in the last decade. It is difficult to admit, but I have not seen much progress in the acceptance of homosexuality and sexual minorities. Yes, the younger generation are infinitely more connected to media and news resources outside of Vietnam. However, excluding the small group of elite scholars who are sufficient bilingual speakers and able to assimilate complex information, the general population is still disconnected from the rest of the world due to the heavy-handed regulation of all media by the government.
Thus, comes the question: How can we help our LGBTQIA brothers and sisters in VN who do not have the luxury to live openly with their sexual orientation?
Thank you for sharing your story with us! Don’t worry, you’re not alone and progress is inevitable. I think the issue of heteronormativity in Viet Nam manifests differently from Western forms of heterosexism and homophobia. While it is a shame that there is a lack of dialogue surrounding queerness, alternative gender expression, identity, and other-ness in Viet Nam, it is not hard to locate that this particular taboo is also deep rooted in Viet Nam’s sociocultural and historical discourse, one that advocates generational history, social responsibility and hetero-reproduction (like many other Asian countries) unlike the stress on “morality” in the West. Coupled with government censorship, it is that much more difficult to subvert such provincial thinking. If Viet Nam hopes to gain insight on greater social acceptance and human rights advocacy, they should look to fellow Asian countries such as Taiwan, Japan, Thailand and the Philippines, where community understanding, liberalized education and institutional support are practiced.
In reference to the growing “openness” or liberal thinking among the youth generation in Viet Nam, it is interesting to look at Western influences being both the cause for marking other-ness as a “social” evil (by bringing queerness out of the private, domestic sphere into the public) and rejecting heterosexual conventions as normative amongst youth. Since my last visit to Viet Nam, I have noticed that there is an observable “trend” of inter-sexuality or androgyny emerging amongst Viet Nam youth that seems to be unintentionally coloring alternative expressions as socially acceptable. Furthermore, keep in mind that transvestitism, gender bending, or cross-dressing is a celebrated practice in Vietnamese comedy.
I am pleased to hear of your re-immersion into Vietnamese culture because my experiences in Viet Nam and its evolving culture have also given me hope and led me to my personal acceptance of my queerness. While the pressure of tradition is still restricting me from living completely open among family, it will the small battles that we take in life that will eventually bring much needed progress. So how do we fight and help others? Unite under a clear cause: Challenge the oppressive institutions and educate conservative society.
Yall know the different between Uncle Ho (HCM) and Uncle Sam… allow me to show you (HCM)= Homo Charming Man and the other (Sam)=Sexual Active Man~~lol^^
Calvin Hue Quach FIY: Pls be careful with your words…IT is not something that you can joke on…
I agree. Calvin please be careful, I was slightly offended when I read your reply.
Poor sense of humor
I agree that new generation is more open minded than past. Eg: my parents sometimes thjnk gays/les are patients and that makes me sad n afraid 🙁
I was doing research on this topic a bit ago, too. I ran across a book called Bong. From my understanding it's the first book of its type to be published in VietNam.http://english.vietnamnet.vn/lifestyle/2008/08/800374/
I agree that new generation is more open minded than past. Eg: my parents sometimes thjnk gays/les are patients and that make me sad. Because I know some are very good n kindSo, no matter ppl thjnk or talk, live the life makes you happy. That's all 🙂
Wow, that last comment was more offensive than it is humorous. Heteronormative expressions like this are what keeping Vietnamese LGBTQI, like myself, feeling oppressed and unsafe in our communities. I can't believe you drew a comparison between homosexuality and HCM, and the antithesis of homosexuality is sexual liberation ("sexual active man"). I hope, your comment was due to a lack of insight than anything. Not cool.
Sorry, referring to Calvin's comment. Not Jelly.
Such an important topic that needs to be discussed more and addressed w/in our community. Thank you for sharing!
What's a non-traditional culture?
Clearly the author is still very afraid of the current social stigma when he wishes to remain anonymous. Some might argue homosexual is biological, that one's born with chemicals made for one sex but somehow covered in the body of another. Others say GOD is never wrong, that in the beginning He created "Adam and Eve", NOT "Adam and Steve".I personally have a lesbian co-worker. Her partner picks her up everyday from work. They live together and share the same mortgage. I can't say for anyone, but talk to them, share stories with them and you'll see they're not very different from us.BTW, I'm a Catholic.
great insight Phuong
love your friends for what is inside their heart
well, above all, simple question of sexuality is kind of taboo into Vietnamese society..(more a taboo that in western countries). So yes, homosexuality is a big taboo, the youth have evolved w/ their (new) own generation, whereas the elder are more conservative..anyway, our familly & our friends would still love us no matter who we love.
Well said!
@Geo. I would not use an absolute term "non-traditional". Every culture has its own tradition, so "non-traditional culture" simply does not exist. I don't think the author meant to offense any other culture by implying Vietnam a traditional culture while others "non-traditional" if you ever wondered.So I would rather use "less" traditional, my attempt to describe the term ONLY within the context of the article and the issue of homosexuality. In this case, Traditional might be a negative term, describing a culture where people do not have an open discussion of sexuality, even worse in homosexuality. Accepting homosexuality is never heard of. Hence, a less-traditional culture would encourage more open talks and more acceptance to homosexuality. So a less-traditional culture is more suited/better to the author.The author does not compare VN's culture with any other culture. She simply compares the older generation of VN vs. the younger. Traditional = Old = Bad for homosexual. Less traditional = Young = Ok for homosexual. Again, only within the context of the article.Maybe the author herself can explain this better or someone else might. But that's what I think
I think Vietnam, like the USA 40 years ago, is just now at the threshold of "discovering" (and increasingly accepting) gays and lesbians in their midst. Many young people now aren't aware of the deep isolation and fear that existed in the USA for gays before 1970. It's taken 40 long years to get where we are today in the US. (see http://www.joeacanfora.com) But I think the pace of acceptance in Vietnam is likely to be far more rapid. Without the overlay of oppressive right-wing religious politics and with the internet and recent history having cleared a pathway I'm hopeful acceptance is not so far off here in Vietnam. My Vietnamese partner still hides from his family and friends – but talks daily about the possibility of coming out. And we just last month visited what I believe to be Vietnam's first "gay liberation" event in Hanoi. ( see http://www.dailyvietnamnews.net/2010/Pages/20100508163218.aspx) . What a wonderful and liberating experience for all of us!!
Love is unconditional. Sharing live with someone you love is more valuable than gold. Live your life for yourself, for the one who truly cares and understand what you have been through in life.Gay/ Lesbians or "Straight' we all have the same body part.What set us apart is how we use our heart to love, care and share with others to make live a better place for allWhat two men are doing behind their closed door is non of other business. For our young children, Teach them love, tolerance and they will find themselves. FOR ALL LGBT, BE BRAVE AND BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.
it is better to have loved then to never have loved at all. Let's all share our love with the ones WE want. Don't be forced to live a lie.
Author's comments: "Thank you, everyone for your support. It truly means a lot more than you could imagine. In reference to the discussion of the context of the word "traditional", I meant it without any negative connotation. I truly love the diversity of this world and think every culture is amazing in itself. What I meant by traditional was that lessons from the past are still being carried on to this day – most good, a few bad. I'm in no way trying to say that Vietnamese people are "bad" and that they hate gay people — I just feel like the barrier here is that people who are accepting of it are hesitant to admit their support because it's not widely done. No one wants to bring up something that's never talked about. The reason I wrote this article was because I know that there are people out there like me who have these thoughts running through their minds. It was my tiny way of reaching out, hoping to let them know they're not alone. Little did I know the support I would receive from everyone, gay or not. So thank you – for reaching out to me. You're the people who make me realize that it's not so scary out there."
It's so cool to have the author replying. I'm starting to love OVN. 🙂
New generation is more open mind and it’s good
Vietnamese people who live in USA, France, Australia, … always try to keep traditions, because they live far from Viet Nam. So It was a way to keep they Vietnamese identity.
Vietnamese people who live in Viet Nam haven’t this problem because they live in Viet Nam.
Viet Nam change and it’s good. Vietnamese people have more and more liberty and discover many news things. But they don’t know where is the limit.
Few years ago it was not acceptable to have sex before wedding today it’s more an more acceptable
Few years ago it was not acceptable to divorce, today more and more people divorced in Viet Nam
New generation prefer eat pizza than Pho …and watch HBO TV
Of course, nothing of this are bad
But I’m afraid Vietnam lost his identity !
Don’t worry it’s not about your personal situation, and i wish you be accept by your family and be happy with your partner.
I just wonder what will the new face of Viet Nam in the next generation. And if all nation in all countries must follow the same way. If yes, maybe in a centennial, all minority culture will disappear and tradition of all countries will just a museum picture.
@chris Hmmm, I see your point but I don’t think that we have to limit ourselves. Cultures are ever changing to adapt to environment and people. That is how cultures started in the first place, and that is its purpose (I am an Anthropology Professor). Look at any culture anywhere around the world there’s not one of them that didn’t change.
I think that the Vietnamese government and the older generation in Vietnam are scared of change that is why so many tragedies have happened in the past decade. It is exactly this refusal to change and refusal to listen to the new generation that we are in a bad position with China. We are very much under their control and manipulation. But this fear isn’t just localized just in Vietnam.
Now back to the topic: I am gay I met my partner in college while I was studying in the states. It was impossible to get citizenship after we were married though because the US government doesn’t “recognize” gay marriage. Which mean you can only be married and receive a green card if you are straight. My partner and I hired a immigration attorney and pleaded our case. In the court room, you wouldn’t be surprised if i told you, everyone in there except for us and our lawyer were past their 50’s the judge was well over 60 years old. Needless to say it didn’t work. However, I was luck because the University I worked for pleaded my work as a reason for citizenship.
I told my family back in Vietnam the new about my citizenship, but I also told them that I was married to a person of the same sex. They weren’t thrilled. I haven’t spoken with my parents for 5 years now, but my younger sister and her family I have kept in contact with. In fact their child maybe gay as well and they said that they will encourage it because they want to put the happiness and the health of their child first, and what everyone thinks last.
Yes, the new generation is changing and culture therefore must be tweaked to accommodate this new generation it is impossible not to. But this doesn’t mean that we can’t keep a lot of traditions. I am still going to eat banh day on tet.
I totally understand how you feel you don’t want to disappoint your family. I’ve came out to my mom a while ago and guess what? she still loves me. She didn’t want to believe it at first, but soon enough she has to accept it not. And she did. Even though she is fine with it we never really talk about it all afterwards, I feel like she pretend that it never happen, she doesn’t want her friends or other people to know, I feel like she is disappointed and embarrassed. You have to understand how they would feel and i do, and it hurts to know that she feels that way. And thats okay because life goes on. wish you luck, not everyone is going to have acceptance for things. But if your parents and family loves you they would see pass that your gay and the your their lovely daughter haha 🙂 Im also a lesbian and trust things will probably turn out better than you think.
I’m scared, I’m Vietnamese, and I’m a closeted lesbian. I woke up this morning watching the Tet parade. Everything seemed normal except, when I saw a bunch of people with banners,signs, and the lgbt flag. At first I was confused, I thought, “wasn’t the topic of homosexuality a taboo? Why are they showing this?” After thinking this, I immediately ran a google search of “vietnamese and homosexuality” l read the wikipedia article and felt very alone. I then googled some more and found this blog. What I want to say is, I thought I was alone until I read this blog, now I know that there are people like me,who grew up in a strict vietnamese culture;where the subject of lgbt was ignored. I understand that part of the author who wants her family to accept her, but is afraid of being an anomaly. I write this message saying that”your not alone, because there’s another person who is basically trying to gain acceptance from her parents too!”